Divine Effort(lessness)

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."


Tonight, I had this persistent urge to just go through people's blogs and read them. As I was reading these random blogs written from people that I have either heard of, or from people that I have gotten to know the past few months,(and absolutely ADORE) there is one thing that connects every single word they wrote.

Love.

The love they have for people, the love they have for God and for their families (oftentimes connected with their friends)....The PASSION they pour out into words just brings a sting to my eyes. It's literally so beautiful, I want to sit on my bed and cry. Not because it depresses me, but because it overwhelms me. It's like God is grabbing my heart, telling me to feel this, to feel SOMETHING, because this emotion I felt NOW was something I lost a long time ago. It was like God was slowly connecting all those pieces of my life that I threw away, including the God piece. It was a confirmation that the love I have for God was, in fact, preciously real and pure. All these months, all those years I felt like a slave to my sins, to my lust, and God was right there beside me. I have my family (friends) to thank for helping me find those missing pieces, and God to thank for putting them back together.

Wow...WOW.

I think at this very moment, I can say that never has my faith, my life, my happiness, and my peace felt more serene and REAL to me then it has these past few months. He has truly blessed me in areas I never thought He would, because I honestly felt like my patience was running thin. The verse I posted up above is exactly what I am going to explain here and NOW.  There may be missing details, and you may question them, but I will try my best to fill voids here and there, so you don't stay completely confused in this process of understanding.

When I was 18, I moved from a strict and grounded house. I did not know what to expect, moving into the world of "fun", and yet I felt like I was completely ready and grounded in my faith to persevere. I convinced myself that I would be able to handle it all, I would be able to resist the "fun", and remain in God relentlessly.

To this day, I was a FOOL to have convinced myself I was ready.

Everything came at me full blast! Like a cannon ball. Hit me square in the head. I lost myself in all this deceiving beauty the world carried. I lost my faith along with all my morals. That just proved to me I never really had a strong relationship with God in the first place. Boy, that was a letdown for me. As I was slowly unwinding this string of rebelliousness, and lust, it was fortunate I was still attached to the end of the fishing rod. I was a mighty strong string, and that pole had no intention of cutting me off. Nevertheless, I continued to storm the dangerous waters, getting caught in rocks, in the plants underwater, etc (great analogy Korey.)...I never seemed to have wanted to quit, swimming was just too much fun, and being the daredevil I am, the curiosity to drown in deep and raging waters overtook me.

I had my ups and downs, uuuuppppssss and dooooowwwwwwnnnnssss. Depressing and horrifically stupid, I know. I kept "coming" back to God, and then "coming" back to the world. Coming back and then falling down, blah blah blah blah blah! To have to admit that this was a never ending circle of ridiculousness that lasted throughout about two years is shameful to admit. The worst part was that I knew EXACTLY who God was, I heard His voice begging me to stop in the back of my mind. I felt his grasp on every inch of my body hold tighter, I felt His tears and pain crying and asking me to come back, but I completely ignored everything. I just wanted to be what I was now. That now got me into the biggest crap I could've ever imagined. I ran with the worst crowd imaginable, and because of this, I attracted the worst men possible, leaving me in stabbing guilt and heartbroken every time my efforts to love failed. That was my biggest problem: I gave out my genuine love all in the wrong places, all in the wrong friends and male. It hurts me to this very day that my vulnerability and love brought me that far away from everything I believed in, everything that I held precious to me. I threw it out the window, like an biodegradable banana peel (Great Analogy KOREY.). I tried living life MY WAY, and every single category I possessed and carressed failed in epic amounts. I was a failure. I repeatedly reminded myself of that. I felt like I could never get back what I lost, I could never be made new, I could NEVER trust myself to love again. Oh, where a mistake my thoughts have taken me!

I have had friends come and have left my life. They leave me in pain, and they come back, and I am still in pain. These friends were not healthy. By healthy, I mean for me, in my relationship with God and my family and even with myself...and they were not healthy in THEIR relationship with God, and themselves. It all twisted together, and molded each other, and became a frankenstien like figure. May sound pretty cool and you wish you could see this deformed clay man, but let me tell you, this metaphoric figure was an incredible chaotic heap of doggy doo doo. I am not trying to call my past friends a pile of crap, but I am saying that much of what had happened never really needed to happen. It just did, because we MADE it happen. We shouldn't have, but we did, and OH MAN did we do a great job of it! Anyways, I am not gloating when I say that I was being the best friend I could ever possibly be. I was there every step of them needing someone to talk to. I gave them advice, and I gave them encouragement. I even prayed with them at times. This all happened again, and again, and again, and again...

When is enough....ENOUGH? Dude, I'll tell you.

Normally, enough is enough when you give a friend advice over and over, and they over and over listen, but refuse to act on it. There they come, crawling back to you in pain, because they did the exact OPPOSITE of what you advised.
Now, for the longest time, MY enough is enough was when they stabbed you in the back repeatedly, and I cry, get over it, and forgive them. Then it happens again, I cry, not speak to them for a while, and then finally become friends again. Great...healthy...relationship....RIGHT?!

Dude.....wrong!

So despite my past relationships with friends and all the drama, and pain it carried, I eventually got so wrapped up in trying to help them all, that I got sucked into their drama. Those problems they carried like a burden became my problems, the drama THEY drank, became the drama I spat into peoples faces. It was another vicious circle. MAN, what is up with these circles I keep jumping into, hoping it would become some kind of triangle (trinity) or something?! Don't answer that, it's a stupid, needing no answer question. Better left unsaid. (haha.)
As I was getting sucked into all this drama, and pain, and guilt, and so on and so forth, I was hurting many people that actually cared about me in the process. My sister, for instance. She tried so hard to help me out, to get me back into that relationship I had with God. She tried SO HARD. I bet she still thinks she failed. I would be glad to tell her she has been misinformed. With the backstabbing, and hatred I spewed on her, she has every right to feel some kind of resentment towards me. I know that all has been forgiven and I have mended the brokenness I caused in some of my friendships with the stable people I had in my life at the time, I can't help but think that everything would be different if she hadn't interfered in the most divine way that she did. Where would I be? What kind of person would I be? Those thoughts scare me endlessly. Just thinking about how God arranged my life this way is beyond my imagination. I can't even think of the MORE TO COME. Im excited. I am getting a little ahead of myself.
Moving on.

With all the hurt I caused throughout my mishaps and full on rebellion, and through all the pain inflicted upon me through all my unhappy and unhealthy relationships, God sure has a way of burning all that, and giving twice back. This twice back is better then what I had, it's purer, it's divine, and has so much potential. This gift will be staying with me until I am buried, with a gravestone that says I have lived to be however long God wants me to live. I am really good at ranting and getting carried away, but the gravestone part I just had to say, because it is so true! However long God wants me to walk this earth, my heart, my soul and my body will be forever His, and my footsteps are in the path He has laid down for me. Like I said, I'm so excited!

At this point in my life, with all I have said above, and all that has been done, there came a point in my life, AGAIN, where my relationship with God was being suffocated. I was being sucked in again, to my other world. The world I never wanted to see again. I was being suffocated, because I started to feel like where I was at that time, where I was living, with my sister being gone and all, I felt like I had no oxygen. I needed to get out. That feeling of being discontented really started to sink in, I started questioning God's motives. I started asking God why the heck I am still here, when there is nothing left for me to live for. The path felt like another circle (Hello, circle, I know you VERY WELL), I was going the same way over and over and over again. I was getting bored with life. Finally, God told me to come home.

Home is where the heart is, right?

Apparently, I left my heart with my family. So where ever my family was, I was. Or at least my heart was. You catch what I'm trying to say. So I moved once again to live back to where the roots all started. My grandparents.
They raised me, they fed me, they clothed me, they guided me. Enough said. I was going back to that, and to that I came. Best idea I have ever decided to act upon. I know I did need a little push, but I took it. I went with it. When I made this decision, I also had this talk with God. I am going to paraphrase what I said to Him, but I want to clue you in a little of what I talked to Him about.

"God, I've been running from you for so long. I hate this. I need you. I know I need you. Let this be the RIGHT decision. I know that every place I have moved to hasn't necessarily been the WRONG decision, but I know it wasn't the RIGHT decision, or I wouldn't really be what I am right now. A total mess, and in need of healing, and restoration. God, where are you? I haven't felt you in sooo long. I'm begging you right now, I need you. I need healing. I guess that healing lies where my roots have started. God, I don't know exactly where this will all lead, but I know my family can help. They always have in the past. Let this be the last time. Guide me. Heal me, PLEASE.
I feel like I'm asking a lot, but I just want you to know that I want to make the right decisions in every area of my life, and I want you to guide me. I want you to turn me into the person I am suppose to be. I want YOU to pick my friends, and pick the place you want me to heal in, to grow back into you..."

My prayer was definitely along the lines of that. I was desperate. I wanted this decision to be perfect. I didn't want to do everything by myself again. I wanted Him to pick and choose, and I will accept. I wanted to be His child, and I wanted to be under his wings of protection...

I am with my family now, and when I first moved here, many emotions have come out of it. I was struggling, because I was here for four months and I still didn't have any friends. I had near my age people that I met, but I never really connected with them. That was God saying "Not yet, my beloved." As much as it stung to hear something like that, I fully relied on God. "I can do it. I know I can. Fully rely on God." Much to my happiness, God brought me Hope, and then Faith, and then Joy.

These are three Godly women, who amazingly live up to their names. They are the blessing I have been waiting for. After these three women, came more alike. God even place amazing men of God in my life.
Pause.

Men.
I had an opinion of them. It wasn't good. I despised the way they lived, the way they breathed. I just never thought that there was an honest man of God out there. I sure as hell never thought that God would open my eyes and whisper in my ear "You are so totally wrong."
Men of God. I am happy to have finally met males that have DEFINED that in every way possible. It brought me encouragement, and healing. HEALING.

Okay, Continue.
Throughout the month that I have known these men and women, God has healed me in areas that I so desperately wished would've been healed a long time ago, but I know couldn't because God had other plans. His way or NO way. Enough said.
God has taught me to be vulnerable, but with it protecting my heart as well. He has taught me to trust, to strengthen myself in my most weakest areas, and to actually speak of my thoughts, whereas in the past, that was one of the most difficult things I struggled with. My thoughts carried a lot of healing. It's funny. All along, my healing remedy was my brain, and my weapon was my mouth. So I shot a remedy of healing to my heart. Kind of weird way to explain what I mean, but it makes complete sense.

I guess this would be all I have to say. I am going to end with the verse I stared this blog with.

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

God has brought me here for a purpose, and that purpose is already starting to unfold. What a great GOD we have...

His daughter,
Korey Leeann Johnston