We are easily subjected to our own chains that bind us with temptation, depression, indifference...they withhold us from idealizing anything remotely promising to present us with a better future, and a dimmed past. We oftentimes overwhelm ourselves with the pressures of everyday life. We tend to speak with a optimistic voice, but the terrified voice that screams inside scatters any form of confidence we've held to promote our optimism. Where can we regain that confidence we once knew? What makes us so scared to step outside the little box that we've convinced ourselves protects us and shelters our innermost thoughts? What induces our inner demons to surface our pool of darkness? Will we be forever succumbed to our tantrum of lies and denial?
There's THE answer, and then there's a safe answer. We tend to go with safe.
Safe...definition? "Protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost."
Danger would be stepping out of our little box. The risk would be dodging bullets. Bullets that consider our ego the bulls-eye. Not likely to be harmed mentally, or lost conscientiously.
Safe.
THE answer is more complicated. Considering we are human beings, and the steps we take tend to be misguided, the footsteps we leave have flaws, but they are nonetheless imprinted into the dust beneath our feet. They are there for when we've come to the dead end, we turn around, and face them, gaze upon the flaws, and from there, a decision to either retrace that step, or imprint a new one beside it. Retracing meaning, you faced that flaw, and decided to overcome it, buried it with a new story. Imprinting a new one is accepting the flaw for what it is, standing beside it, and moving on, ready to make more mistakes.
Either decision is chosen with caution. Either decision will lead you somewhere else, of uncertainty where it may lead, you have chosen to step outside that little box. You have chosen to be the own leader of where your paths will go. You have chosen.
Why I may say that the answer is more complicated, well, confiscating all that we are, when our human nature is to let go and let everything else control us, is a huge step. By huge, meaning our comfort will be shaken, our ego will be shot at, and confidence will contain gaps, where confusion, and uncertainty fill those empty spaces. You will never know how the ending goes, because we are walking in pure darkness. Accepting that fact that we may fail, and then moving on with our head held high, just might be the best way to defeat some of your innermost worries. We all fail, we all fall, but with failure came that POSSIBILITY to succeed. With possibility is plenty of opportunities to try again and succeed the second, third, or maybe even fourth time around. It's within our desire and determination that makes the ending what we want it to be.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Ideal Love
Imperfection in love is perfection in itself. I find that all the misconceptions on how two people are suppose to love each other to be blatantly ridiculous. It is the weakness where we find strength. In strength, there's growth, and in growth lies unconditional love. True love conquers itself, and destroys deception. I want love like this.
The love where two people can look into each others eyes, and know that the glimmering sparkle is because of them. The kind of love where one touch is thousands of shivers from the head to the toes.Where one innocent kiss is asking for a heart attack. The love where an agreement lies in each others values and opinions. The love where moral sacredness remains sacred until the day of matrimony. The kind of love where when one clumsily falls, the other laughs as they lovingly stoop down to position them upright again. Where when teasing is immense, the anger is subtle, but visible enough for forgiveness to play part in easing tension. I want the mornings where lovers wake up together, or separate, eat breakfast together, or make breakfast separate, but keeping in mind never to forget to say "goodmorning love", with a kiss or a hug. I want the nights where when one is tired, and lashes out, finding a way to work it out is the main focus so that going to bed angry at each other will never happen. The nights where when its freezing outside, the warmth of each others bodies is like an instant heater. The nights where sex is never dull, or empty feeling, but sweet, crazy, experimental, humorous, romantic, and plenty of room to getting to know each other more and more. Where high expectations are thrown out the door, and compassion and encouragement to follow one's dreams take its place. Low standards are unacceptable. Vocal or physical abuse is inexcusable. Inconsideration for each other's feelings are met with an apology and sealed with a kiss.
Cheesy and corny words are encouraged in conversation to boost the feeling that love is still intact.
To always say how much you love them, and that imperfection meets with the passion, and creates a binding love that never dies.
Love is corny. Silly. Romantic. Hopeful. Undying.
It destroys walls, but stabilizes ground. It's the roots of a never ending growth of a tree. If you have it, grow it, because love is well worth the roller coaster ride it brings.
The love where two people can look into each others eyes, and know that the glimmering sparkle is because of them. The kind of love where one touch is thousands of shivers from the head to the toes.Where one innocent kiss is asking for a heart attack. The love where an agreement lies in each others values and opinions. The love where moral sacredness remains sacred until the day of matrimony. The kind of love where when one clumsily falls, the other laughs as they lovingly stoop down to position them upright again. Where when teasing is immense, the anger is subtle, but visible enough for forgiveness to play part in easing tension. I want the mornings where lovers wake up together, or separate, eat breakfast together, or make breakfast separate, but keeping in mind never to forget to say "goodmorning love", with a kiss or a hug. I want the nights where when one is tired, and lashes out, finding a way to work it out is the main focus so that going to bed angry at each other will never happen. The nights where when its freezing outside, the warmth of each others bodies is like an instant heater. The nights where sex is never dull, or empty feeling, but sweet, crazy, experimental, humorous, romantic, and plenty of room to getting to know each other more and more. Where high expectations are thrown out the door, and compassion and encouragement to follow one's dreams take its place. Low standards are unacceptable. Vocal or physical abuse is inexcusable. Inconsideration for each other's feelings are met with an apology and sealed with a kiss.
Cheesy and corny words are encouraged in conversation to boost the feeling that love is still intact.
To always say how much you love them, and that imperfection meets with the passion, and creates a binding love that never dies.
Love is corny. Silly. Romantic. Hopeful. Undying.
It destroys walls, but stabilizes ground. It's the roots of a never ending growth of a tree. If you have it, grow it, because love is well worth the roller coaster ride it brings.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Imperfection Once Again.
What is destructive behavior, and how is it handled? How can you live the life you want, and live by your faith at the same time?
I don't pretend to live a perfect life. I don't pretend that I don't do the stuff that I do. I try my best not to hide anything. I live by being true to myself. I have to, or I will go insane.
Literally.
If I lived this fake life, where I am a calm personality type person, and I don't do anything one or maybe two people will disapprove of, then the worst thing I think is will happen to me: I will soon be sinking in depression.
I'm not a very depressing person. I love making people laugh, I love to love others, I love my family, I get really crazy sometimes, and I love to love myself (in all its innocence people). I don't need to explain myself, or why I am the way that I am. If you can't accept it, or you are trying to change me, I'm not going to go ballistic on you and threaten you or whatever, but I will be really disappointed. I don't look at a person and judge them by what they do, or what I see they do on Facebook, its not my place to question it and "confront" them about it. We all have free will, and we all will abuse it sometime or another. Its in our human nature to do so. It doesn't make you a bad person. Stop the judgmental tendencies when you see me posting things on Facebook that you don't know the story, or your morals and beliefs are completely different then mine.
We all have a story. We all have a reason that the core of our beings to this day are what they are. God created us to all be equal, but He also created us to be completely different in our personalities, our looks, and morals as well as beliefs. You can't force any of your standards on someone else and expect them to kneel before you, begging for forgiveness. You can't keep banging on their heads, telling them to wake up and realize how stupid they're being, and how much disapproval you have for them in what they've been doing, because in all honesty, you have no fucking clue what they are doing, and there is a reason for that!
They know that what they are doing, someone is going to be disapproving of it, because their beliefs in how humans should act are COMPLETELY different then what the other thinks.
Now, as for one family member unto another!
This whole thing applies to them as well. If the mother was scrutinizing a ten year old girl, and telling her that what she is doing is not right, that is completely different then an adult family member confronting ANOTHER adult family member about their actions.
When we all grow up, we all experience the world and God in different ways. We complicate things in our lives differently then others, and we find our way out of our own messes different then others! We can't expect our family to have gone through the same shit, and be on the same page about how we should act in the world.
We should all be basing our behavior by what the Bible says and not by what stereotyped Christians and Churches say. It's so easy to get wrapped up in Stereotyped living. I, for one, try my BEST not to, because it promotes hypocrisy and installs fear, neither are of which are good.
This is all my opinion, but it is an opinion I STRONGLY believe. It all comes down the judging others.
You can't judge someone when you don't know their whole story, and when your beliefs are different then theirs. You have to walk a mile in their shoes first before you cast the first stone.
I am NOT perfect. There are things that I do that even I disapprove of, but in my opinion, that doesn't give you the right to point a finger, because its your faults you should be looking at, and I shall be working on my own.
God puts certain people in our lives to give constructive criticism, but that is between that person and God. Only our conscience can open up the doorway to listen to what God has to say through them. If it in not God, I do NOT want to hear it.
I hope this doesn't sound threatening, or disheartening. You can't tell me I'm wrong, because it is my opinion. We are all entitled to one. I just want to get this point across, because as I have said before, I cannot voice it better then I can write it.
Korey Leeann Johnston
I don't pretend to live a perfect life. I don't pretend that I don't do the stuff that I do. I try my best not to hide anything. I live by being true to myself. I have to, or I will go insane.
Literally.
If I lived this fake life, where I am a calm personality type person, and I don't do anything one or maybe two people will disapprove of, then the worst thing I think is will happen to me: I will soon be sinking in depression.
I'm not a very depressing person. I love making people laugh, I love to love others, I love my family, I get really crazy sometimes, and I love to love myself (in all its innocence people). I don't need to explain myself, or why I am the way that I am. If you can't accept it, or you are trying to change me, I'm not going to go ballistic on you and threaten you or whatever, but I will be really disappointed. I don't look at a person and judge them by what they do, or what I see they do on Facebook, its not my place to question it and "confront" them about it. We all have free will, and we all will abuse it sometime or another. Its in our human nature to do so. It doesn't make you a bad person. Stop the judgmental tendencies when you see me posting things on Facebook that you don't know the story, or your morals and beliefs are completely different then mine.
We all have a story. We all have a reason that the core of our beings to this day are what they are. God created us to all be equal, but He also created us to be completely different in our personalities, our looks, and morals as well as beliefs. You can't force any of your standards on someone else and expect them to kneel before you, begging for forgiveness. You can't keep banging on their heads, telling them to wake up and realize how stupid they're being, and how much disapproval you have for them in what they've been doing, because in all honesty, you have no fucking clue what they are doing, and there is a reason for that!
They know that what they are doing, someone is going to be disapproving of it, because their beliefs in how humans should act are COMPLETELY different then what the other thinks.
Now, as for one family member unto another!
This whole thing applies to them as well. If the mother was scrutinizing a ten year old girl, and telling her that what she is doing is not right, that is completely different then an adult family member confronting ANOTHER adult family member about their actions.
When we all grow up, we all experience the world and God in different ways. We complicate things in our lives differently then others, and we find our way out of our own messes different then others! We can't expect our family to have gone through the same shit, and be on the same page about how we should act in the world.
We should all be basing our behavior by what the Bible says and not by what stereotyped Christians and Churches say. It's so easy to get wrapped up in Stereotyped living. I, for one, try my BEST not to, because it promotes hypocrisy and installs fear, neither are of which are good.
This is all my opinion, but it is an opinion I STRONGLY believe. It all comes down the judging others.
You can't judge someone when you don't know their whole story, and when your beliefs are different then theirs. You have to walk a mile in their shoes first before you cast the first stone.
I am NOT perfect. There are things that I do that even I disapprove of, but in my opinion, that doesn't give you the right to point a finger, because its your faults you should be looking at, and I shall be working on my own.
God puts certain people in our lives to give constructive criticism, but that is between that person and God. Only our conscience can open up the doorway to listen to what God has to say through them. If it in not God, I do NOT want to hear it.
I hope this doesn't sound threatening, or disheartening. You can't tell me I'm wrong, because it is my opinion. We are all entitled to one. I just want to get this point across, because as I have said before, I cannot voice it better then I can write it.
Korey Leeann Johnston
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Guess Who?! ( NOT you.)
Well, here I am, on this blogger thing once more, and I absolutely have no idea what to write about. It's pathetic really. I usually only ever get on this thing when I have inspiration and I need to express myself through blogging, because the thoughts in my head don't exactly write a tear jerking novel when I speak. In fact, I would refer to myself as the town drunk. It's that bad.
Maybe not.
I might be just bringing myself down a bit to hard. All I'm trying to get across is the fact that wording my thoughts on paper, or blogging them have much more depth, meaning, and emotion then they do when I voice them. I'm a very passionate person, but most of the passion doesn't know how to form very well. So writing helps alot.
I feel like I bore you. Let me write of something interesting...maybe funny...or mean? It'll take a second....okay, got something.
Earlier today, at the dinner table, my grandma was telling me of her day, and how yesterday a young lady came in, and started to complain about EVERYTHING. (my grandparents own a bakery, in case you didn't know.) She was complaining about the sandwich table, how the lady making sandwiches was washing her hands in MOP water, or so it seemed. Then, she ordered a sandwich and told my grandma that there is suppose to be a date on them (we know this isn't true...so back off miss know it all.) Then, she complained about the carrots, and how they don't look fresh at all, then she complained about the bread being wet on the top, and went back to the fact that there is (apparently, since she IS miss know it all) suppose to be a date on these. By this time, if I were my grandma, I would've taken the sandwich she complained about and shoved it in her face screaming, "DATE THIS YOU HORRID WOMAN!!!" But, of course, I am NOT my grandma and my grandma is NOT me, so she kept her mouth shut. (Good job grandma...) I feel like I should give her a pat on the head for a job well done.
So, as if this wasn't enough horrid words coming out of this horrid woman's mouth, she demanded a refund...to which grandma only gave her a gift card (to buy more food at this delicious bakery she owns.).
This is NOT the end of the story.
Today, the day AFTER this ridiculous incident, the health inspector came into the bakery.
Yes, that is right.
She
called
the
freaking
health
inspector.
Needless to say, he gave a few pointers, but all in all, he was proud of how clean the bakery actually was.
That, my friends, is the end of that story. IT WAS GREAT, WASN'T IT?! Don't know about you, but the fact that this woman was MY age and was acting like an old grouch had me appalled to this very minute. I don't understand people like that, and frankly, I never want to.
ANYWAYS, I don't believe I have anything else to say...
Oh yeah, you look like I need another drink.
Love you.
Korey Johnston
Maybe not.
I might be just bringing myself down a bit to hard. All I'm trying to get across is the fact that wording my thoughts on paper, or blogging them have much more depth, meaning, and emotion then they do when I voice them. I'm a very passionate person, but most of the passion doesn't know how to form very well. So writing helps alot.
I feel like I bore you. Let me write of something interesting...maybe funny...or mean? It'll take a second....okay, got something.
Earlier today, at the dinner table, my grandma was telling me of her day, and how yesterday a young lady came in, and started to complain about EVERYTHING. (my grandparents own a bakery, in case you didn't know.) She was complaining about the sandwich table, how the lady making sandwiches was washing her hands in MOP water, or so it seemed. Then, she ordered a sandwich and told my grandma that there is suppose to be a date on them (we know this isn't true...so back off miss know it all.) Then, she complained about the carrots, and how they don't look fresh at all, then she complained about the bread being wet on the top, and went back to the fact that there is (apparently, since she IS miss know it all) suppose to be a date on these. By this time, if I were my grandma, I would've taken the sandwich she complained about and shoved it in her face screaming, "DATE THIS YOU HORRID WOMAN!!!" But, of course, I am NOT my grandma and my grandma is NOT me, so she kept her mouth shut. (Good job grandma...) I feel like I should give her a pat on the head for a job well done.
So, as if this wasn't enough horrid words coming out of this horrid woman's mouth, she demanded a refund...to which grandma only gave her a gift card (to buy more food at this delicious bakery she owns.).
This is NOT the end of the story.
Today, the day AFTER this ridiculous incident, the health inspector came into the bakery.
Yes, that is right.
She
called
the
freaking
health
inspector.
Needless to say, he gave a few pointers, but all in all, he was proud of how clean the bakery actually was.
That, my friends, is the end of that story. IT WAS GREAT, WASN'T IT?! Don't know about you, but the fact that this woman was MY age and was acting like an old grouch had me appalled to this very minute. I don't understand people like that, and frankly, I never want to.
ANYWAYS, I don't believe I have anything else to say...
Oh yeah, you look like I need another drink.
Love you.
Korey Johnston
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A Heart That Holds On (Is a Heart That Is Strong)
One beat. One life. One love.
ONE.
Our heart is the plot in a book. The steady beat is the message of contentment. A skipped beat is the message of love. A racing beat is the message of anger and a silent beat is the message of death. We may think that a heart is just a heart, but its more of a mystery then we understand. If you were to be able to hold your OWN heart in your hands and in wonderment watch as it beats tenderly against your palms, we may understand more of the mystery it holds. For if we were to have held it, its steady beats of contentment would be of its own, its skipping would be its own love, its racing would be its own anger, and its stillness would be its own death. We can see it, but we can't feel it. The connection we have to our heart is the main reason we have feelings. Its the core, the center of every emotion. It's the message sent to the brain when anger strikes. "Calm down, you are hurting me." It's the secret told to another friend concerning love: "I am in love, I keep skipping!" It is a note of thanksgiving for contentment: "You make me happy, thank you." And silence? Silence speaks for itself: "Come away with me."
Its a unity that sits in the same corner as a husband and wife. ONE.
Taking care of yourself all comes down to what your heart thinks. Being strong is controlling it. Letting go is being controlled. In all areas of life, there is an exception to each sentiment expressed by the heart that controls, but there is also the boundary to restrain, in order to heal. Every function fits perfectly with how you treat yourself.
Depression, anger, grudges, guiltiness, sadness, confusion and discontentment weakens.
Happiness, contentment, love, purity, joy and forgiveness strengthens.
Which would you prefer?
This may all just sound insane, but in my mind, my eyes, and even my heart, it makes total and absolute sense.
Treat your heart like you would treat a husband or wife. Take care of it. Its a gift.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
If Grace Is An Ocean, We're All Sinking...
I can't even begin to describe the emotions that today has brought. They are in no way related to depression, guilt, hate, or deception. No, these emotions carry a greater meaning, in the most simplistic way. These emotions bring blinded eyes to light, and a broken heart to mending. Witnessing such beauty should never be overlooked. Surrender should never be just falling on your knees for the instinct, it should be your face on the ground, your relieving tears leaving a puddle of the burdens you've carried for so long on the pavement, evaporating as God wipes his cloth of purity over your wet cheeks. Never taking one minute of such glory for granted is that first step to bringing your bare callused feet to the front of the cross.
It's hard to explain emotions because emotions are often looked upon as weakness. Guess what? It's the total opposite. You are actually strengthening yourself in the process, because holding it inside is like never letting go of the rope. Letting it go is leaving it alone and moving forwards rather then backwards. Many don't know how to handle another persons cries, but what they don't know is they don't need to handle it. They can be there and listen, thats all it takes. Even the person crying doesn't know what to do with themselves at times, because even they feel like they are showing signs of weakness, but its easier to prove to yourself that healthiness is growing, rather then to slap yourself in the face and tell yourself to get over it. Compassion brings more impact then a piano falling from ten stories high. An ear to hear sheds more light then a candle in a darkened room. You may dampen these statements by saying that showing compassion can be abused by the person you're giving it to, and listening can become gossip, but that is a whole different story. When you're in the moment, you're in the moment and you don't want to give it up for anything. Keep it that way, just don't abuse it.
I have mentioned several times that my writing comes from the moment when I'm feeling it, and that feeling didn't just come from anywhere, I came inspired. I felt and still feel inspiration. This inspiration came from tonight, where there was this one moment, in this one place, and this one song that touched my heart in so many different ways, I couldn't express it in any other way then tears. I know I am sounding a tad bit vague, but I'm doing it on purpose because I want it to be relational. I don't want to tell you my story, I want you to tell me yours. I want you to remember a moment in your life, where you were in an unexpected situation, and something happened that you didn't expect, but it deeply moved you and your only reaction was full of emotional tears. Then and there, standing was not an option. Do you remember anything? I hope so. I'm not expecting you to tell me anything, since this is a blog, and replying to this with your answer isn't exactly mandatory, but I just want you to feel what you felt then. If you did, or still do, I have my answer. I am happy for you. You have a beautiful heart, and that heart isn't meant to be kept within you, its meant to be used in the most purposeful ways. All our hearts are. There's a reason why God lives within the,, am I right?
Blessings come in disguises, they are uniquely given, and represent the beauty of God's grace, and the power it has in our lives. Blessings are not just given out with no purpose, they are meant to be received with thanksgiving, awed upon, and used with all the meaning in its name. It can never be abused. If it seemed like it was, it probably wasn't a blessing in the first place. Just think about it. There's truth, and then there's lies. Two VERY different things...obviously.
Tonight, I have been reminded never to take this life I have for granted. To accept with what's been done, which is giving into the beauty of your heart that comes in forms of tears. To use it, and not refuse it. To love the fact that God gave us eyes to "see", ears to "hear", and lips to "speak" (emphasis on those three words, because they hold more meaning then just the action of seeing, hearing, and speaking).
I do, at this point, need to remind you, not to mention myself, that we cannot, and SHOULD not use other peoples beauty in their hearts for filling up the voids in our own hearts. This would all be in vain, therefore it cannot be blessed. It is as useless as trash. Innocence requires humility. Humility is the action of giving all of yourself, surrendering at the foot of the cross, and being renewed with a spirit now filled with purity, rather then worldly satisfaction. To actually confess your sins, and remain in humility from that point on. It is the beauty of the heart.
I think that is all I have to say. I'm in awe of the ocean we're sinking in...that ocean is grace.
It's hard to explain emotions because emotions are often looked upon as weakness. Guess what? It's the total opposite. You are actually strengthening yourself in the process, because holding it inside is like never letting go of the rope. Letting it go is leaving it alone and moving forwards rather then backwards. Many don't know how to handle another persons cries, but what they don't know is they don't need to handle it. They can be there and listen, thats all it takes. Even the person crying doesn't know what to do with themselves at times, because even they feel like they are showing signs of weakness, but its easier to prove to yourself that healthiness is growing, rather then to slap yourself in the face and tell yourself to get over it. Compassion brings more impact then a piano falling from ten stories high. An ear to hear sheds more light then a candle in a darkened room. You may dampen these statements by saying that showing compassion can be abused by the person you're giving it to, and listening can become gossip, but that is a whole different story. When you're in the moment, you're in the moment and you don't want to give it up for anything. Keep it that way, just don't abuse it.
I have mentioned several times that my writing comes from the moment when I'm feeling it, and that feeling didn't just come from anywhere, I came inspired. I felt and still feel inspiration. This inspiration came from tonight, where there was this one moment, in this one place, and this one song that touched my heart in so many different ways, I couldn't express it in any other way then tears. I know I am sounding a tad bit vague, but I'm doing it on purpose because I want it to be relational. I don't want to tell you my story, I want you to tell me yours. I want you to remember a moment in your life, where you were in an unexpected situation, and something happened that you didn't expect, but it deeply moved you and your only reaction was full of emotional tears. Then and there, standing was not an option. Do you remember anything? I hope so. I'm not expecting you to tell me anything, since this is a blog, and replying to this with your answer isn't exactly mandatory, but I just want you to feel what you felt then. If you did, or still do, I have my answer. I am happy for you. You have a beautiful heart, and that heart isn't meant to be kept within you, its meant to be used in the most purposeful ways. All our hearts are. There's a reason why God lives within the,, am I right?
Blessings come in disguises, they are uniquely given, and represent the beauty of God's grace, and the power it has in our lives. Blessings are not just given out with no purpose, they are meant to be received with thanksgiving, awed upon, and used with all the meaning in its name. It can never be abused. If it seemed like it was, it probably wasn't a blessing in the first place. Just think about it. There's truth, and then there's lies. Two VERY different things...obviously.
Tonight, I have been reminded never to take this life I have for granted. To accept with what's been done, which is giving into the beauty of your heart that comes in forms of tears. To use it, and not refuse it. To love the fact that God gave us eyes to "see", ears to "hear", and lips to "speak" (emphasis on those three words, because they hold more meaning then just the action of seeing, hearing, and speaking).
I do, at this point, need to remind you, not to mention myself, that we cannot, and SHOULD not use other peoples beauty in their hearts for filling up the voids in our own hearts. This would all be in vain, therefore it cannot be blessed. It is as useless as trash. Innocence requires humility. Humility is the action of giving all of yourself, surrendering at the foot of the cross, and being renewed with a spirit now filled with purity, rather then worldly satisfaction. To actually confess your sins, and remain in humility from that point on. It is the beauty of the heart.
I think that is all I have to say. I'm in awe of the ocean we're sinking in...that ocean is grace.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Divine Effort(lessness)
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Tonight, I had this persistent urge to just go through people's blogs and read them. As I was reading these random blogs written from people that I have either heard of, or from people that I have gotten to know the past few months,(and absolutely ADORE) there is one thing that connects every single word they wrote.
Love.
The love they have for people, the love they have for God and for their families (oftentimes connected with their friends)....The PASSION they pour out into words just brings a sting to my eyes. It's literally so beautiful, I want to sit on my bed and cry. Not because it depresses me, but because it overwhelms me. It's like God is grabbing my heart, telling me to feel this, to feel SOMETHING, because this emotion I felt NOW was something I lost a long time ago. It was like God was slowly connecting all those pieces of my life that I threw away, including the God piece. It was a confirmation that the love I have for God was, in fact, preciously real and pure. All these months, all those years I felt like a slave to my sins, to my lust, and God was right there beside me. I have my family (friends) to thank for helping me find those missing pieces, and God to thank for putting them back together.
Wow...WOW.
I think at this very moment, I can say that never has my faith, my life, my happiness, and my peace felt more serene and REAL to me then it has these past few months. He has truly blessed me in areas I never thought He would, because I honestly felt like my patience was running thin. The verse I posted up above is exactly what I am going to explain here and NOW. There may be missing details, and you may question them, but I will try my best to fill voids here and there, so you don't stay completely confused in this process of understanding.
When I was 18, I moved from a strict and grounded house. I did not know what to expect, moving into the world of "fun", and yet I felt like I was completely ready and grounded in my faith to persevere. I convinced myself that I would be able to handle it all, I would be able to resist the "fun", and remain in God relentlessly.
To this day, I was a FOOL to have convinced myself I was ready.
Everything came at me full blast! Like a cannon ball. Hit me square in the head. I lost myself in all this deceiving beauty the world carried. I lost my faith along with all my morals. That just proved to me I never really had a strong relationship with God in the first place. Boy, that was a letdown for me. As I was slowly unwinding this string of rebelliousness, and lust, it was fortunate I was still attached to the end of the fishing rod. I was a mighty strong string, and that pole had no intention of cutting me off. Nevertheless, I continued to storm the dangerous waters, getting caught in rocks, in the plants underwater, etc (great analogy Korey.)...I never seemed to have wanted to quit, swimming was just too much fun, and being the daredevil I am, the curiosity to drown in deep and raging waters overtook me.
I had my ups and downs, uuuuppppssss and dooooowwwwwwnnnnssss. Depressing and horrifically stupid, I know. I kept "coming" back to God, and then "coming" back to the world. Coming back and then falling down, blah blah blah blah blah! To have to admit that this was a never ending circle of ridiculousness that lasted throughout about two years is shameful to admit. The worst part was that I knew EXACTLY who God was, I heard His voice begging me to stop in the back of my mind. I felt his grasp on every inch of my body hold tighter, I felt His tears and pain crying and asking me to come back, but I completely ignored everything. I just wanted to be what I was now. That now got me into the biggest crap I could've ever imagined. I ran with the worst crowd imaginable, and because of this, I attracted the worst men possible, leaving me in stabbing guilt and heartbroken every time my efforts to love failed. That was my biggest problem: I gave out my genuine love all in the wrong places, all in the wrong friends and male. It hurts me to this very day that my vulnerability and love brought me that far away from everything I believed in, everything that I held precious to me. I threw it out the window, like an biodegradable banana peel (Great Analogy KOREY.). I tried living life MY WAY, and every single category I possessed and carressed failed in epic amounts. I was a failure. I repeatedly reminded myself of that. I felt like I could never get back what I lost, I could never be made new, I could NEVER trust myself to love again. Oh, where a mistake my thoughts have taken me!
I have had friends come and have left my life. They leave me in pain, and they come back, and I am still in pain. These friends were not healthy. By healthy, I mean for me, in my relationship with God and my family and even with myself...and they were not healthy in THEIR relationship with God, and themselves. It all twisted together, and molded each other, and became a frankenstien like figure. May sound pretty cool and you wish you could see this deformed clay man, but let me tell you, this metaphoric figure was an incredible chaotic heap of doggy doo doo. I am not trying to call my past friends a pile of crap, but I am saying that much of what had happened never really needed to happen. It just did, because we MADE it happen. We shouldn't have, but we did, and OH MAN did we do a great job of it! Anyways, I am not gloating when I say that I was being the best friend I could ever possibly be. I was there every step of them needing someone to talk to. I gave them advice, and I gave them encouragement. I even prayed with them at times. This all happened again, and again, and again, and again...
When is enough....ENOUGH? Dude, I'll tell you.
Normally, enough is enough when you give a friend advice over and over, and they over and over listen, but refuse to act on it. There they come, crawling back to you in pain, because they did the exact OPPOSITE of what you advised.
Now, for the longest time, MY enough is enough was when they stabbed you in the back repeatedly, and I cry, get over it, and forgive them. Then it happens again, I cry, not speak to them for a while, and then finally become friends again. Great...healthy...relationship....RIGHT?!
Dude.....wrong!
So despite my past relationships with friends and all the drama, and pain it carried, I eventually got so wrapped up in trying to help them all, that I got sucked into their drama. Those problems they carried like a burden became my problems, the drama THEY drank, became the drama I spat into peoples faces. It was another vicious circle. MAN, what is up with these circles I keep jumping into, hoping it would become some kind of triangle (trinity) or something?! Don't answer that, it's a stupid, needing no answer question. Better left unsaid. (haha.)
As I was getting sucked into all this drama, and pain, and guilt, and so on and so forth, I was hurting many people that actually cared about me in the process. My sister, for instance. She tried so hard to help me out, to get me back into that relationship I had with God. She tried SO HARD. I bet she still thinks she failed. I would be glad to tell her she has been misinformed. With the backstabbing, and hatred I spewed on her, she has every right to feel some kind of resentment towards me. I know that all has been forgiven and I have mended the brokenness I caused in some of my friendships with the stable people I had in my life at the time, I can't help but think that everything would be different if she hadn't interfered in the most divine way that she did. Where would I be? What kind of person would I be? Those thoughts scare me endlessly. Just thinking about how God arranged my life this way is beyond my imagination. I can't even think of the MORE TO COME. Im excited. I am getting a little ahead of myself.
Moving on.
With all the hurt I caused throughout my mishaps and full on rebellion, and through all the pain inflicted upon me through all my unhappy and unhealthy relationships, God sure has a way of burning all that, and giving twice back. This twice back is better then what I had, it's purer, it's divine, and has so much potential. This gift will be staying with me until I am buried, with a gravestone that says I have lived to be however long God wants me to live. I am really good at ranting and getting carried away, but the gravestone part I just had to say, because it is so true! However long God wants me to walk this earth, my heart, my soul and my body will be forever His, and my footsteps are in the path He has laid down for me. Like I said, I'm so excited!
At this point in my life, with all I have said above, and all that has been done, there came a point in my life, AGAIN, where my relationship with God was being suffocated. I was being sucked in again, to my other world. The world I never wanted to see again. I was being suffocated, because I started to feel like where I was at that time, where I was living, with my sister being gone and all, I felt like I had no oxygen. I needed to get out. That feeling of being discontented really started to sink in, I started questioning God's motives. I started asking God why the heck I am still here, when there is nothing left for me to live for. The path felt like another circle (Hello, circle, I know you VERY WELL), I was going the same way over and over and over again. I was getting bored with life. Finally, God told me to come home.
Home is where the heart is, right?
Apparently, I left my heart with my family. So where ever my family was, I was. Or at least my heart was. You catch what I'm trying to say. So I moved once again to live back to where the roots all started. My grandparents.
They raised me, they fed me, they clothed me, they guided me. Enough said. I was going back to that, and to that I came. Best idea I have ever decided to act upon. I know I did need a little push, but I took it. I went with it. When I made this decision, I also had this talk with God. I am going to paraphrase what I said to Him, but I want to clue you in a little of what I talked to Him about.
"God, I've been running from you for so long. I hate this. I need you. I know I need you. Let this be the RIGHT decision. I know that every place I have moved to hasn't necessarily been the WRONG decision, but I know it wasn't the RIGHT decision, or I wouldn't really be what I am right now. A total mess, and in need of healing, and restoration. God, where are you? I haven't felt you in sooo long. I'm begging you right now, I need you. I need healing. I guess that healing lies where my roots have started. God, I don't know exactly where this will all lead, but I know my family can help. They always have in the past. Let this be the last time. Guide me. Heal me, PLEASE.
I feel like I'm asking a lot, but I just want you to know that I want to make the right decisions in every area of my life, and I want you to guide me. I want you to turn me into the person I am suppose to be. I want YOU to pick my friends, and pick the place you want me to heal in, to grow back into you..."
My prayer was definitely along the lines of that. I was desperate. I wanted this decision to be perfect. I didn't want to do everything by myself again. I wanted Him to pick and choose, and I will accept. I wanted to be His child, and I wanted to be under his wings of protection...
I am with my family now, and when I first moved here, many emotions have come out of it. I was struggling, because I was here for four months and I still didn't have any friends. I had near my age people that I met, but I never really connected with them. That was God saying "Not yet, my beloved." As much as it stung to hear something like that, I fully relied on God. "I can do it. I know I can. Fully rely on God." Much to my happiness, God brought me Hope, and then Faith, and then Joy.
These are three Godly women, who amazingly live up to their names. They are the blessing I have been waiting for. After these three women, came more alike. God even place amazing men of God in my life.
Pause.
Men.
I had an opinion of them. It wasn't good. I despised the way they lived, the way they breathed. I just never thought that there was an honest man of God out there. I sure as hell never thought that God would open my eyes and whisper in my ear "You are so totally wrong."
Men of God. I am happy to have finally met males that have DEFINED that in every way possible. It brought me encouragement, and healing. HEALING.
Okay, Continue.
Throughout the month that I have known these men and women, God has healed me in areas that I so desperately wished would've been healed a long time ago, but I know couldn't because God had other plans. His way or NO way. Enough said.
God has taught me to be vulnerable, but with it protecting my heart as well. He has taught me to trust, to strengthen myself in my most weakest areas, and to actually speak of my thoughts, whereas in the past, that was one of the most difficult things I struggled with. My thoughts carried a lot of healing. It's funny. All along, my healing remedy was my brain, and my weapon was my mouth. So I shot a remedy of healing to my heart. Kind of weird way to explain what I mean, but it makes complete sense.
I guess this would be all I have to say. I am going to end with the verse I stared this blog with.
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
God has brought me here for a purpose, and that purpose is already starting to unfold. What a great GOD we have...
His daughter,
Korey Leeann Johnston
Tonight, I had this persistent urge to just go through people's blogs and read them. As I was reading these random blogs written from people that I have either heard of, or from people that I have gotten to know the past few months,(and absolutely ADORE) there is one thing that connects every single word they wrote.
Love.
The love they have for people, the love they have for God and for their families (oftentimes connected with their friends)....The PASSION they pour out into words just brings a sting to my eyes. It's literally so beautiful, I want to sit on my bed and cry. Not because it depresses me, but because it overwhelms me. It's like God is grabbing my heart, telling me to feel this, to feel SOMETHING, because this emotion I felt NOW was something I lost a long time ago. It was like God was slowly connecting all those pieces of my life that I threw away, including the God piece. It was a confirmation that the love I have for God was, in fact, preciously real and pure. All these months, all those years I felt like a slave to my sins, to my lust, and God was right there beside me. I have my family (friends) to thank for helping me find those missing pieces, and God to thank for putting them back together.
Wow...WOW.
I think at this very moment, I can say that never has my faith, my life, my happiness, and my peace felt more serene and REAL to me then it has these past few months. He has truly blessed me in areas I never thought He would, because I honestly felt like my patience was running thin. The verse I posted up above is exactly what I am going to explain here and NOW. There may be missing details, and you may question them, but I will try my best to fill voids here and there, so you don't stay completely confused in this process of understanding.
When I was 18, I moved from a strict and grounded house. I did not know what to expect, moving into the world of "fun", and yet I felt like I was completely ready and grounded in my faith to persevere. I convinced myself that I would be able to handle it all, I would be able to resist the "fun", and remain in God relentlessly.
To this day, I was a FOOL to have convinced myself I was ready.
Everything came at me full blast! Like a cannon ball. Hit me square in the head. I lost myself in all this deceiving beauty the world carried. I lost my faith along with all my morals. That just proved to me I never really had a strong relationship with God in the first place. Boy, that was a letdown for me. As I was slowly unwinding this string of rebelliousness, and lust, it was fortunate I was still attached to the end of the fishing rod. I was a mighty strong string, and that pole had no intention of cutting me off. Nevertheless, I continued to storm the dangerous waters, getting caught in rocks, in the plants underwater, etc (great analogy Korey.)...I never seemed to have wanted to quit, swimming was just too much fun, and being the daredevil I am, the curiosity to drown in deep and raging waters overtook me.
I had my ups and downs, uuuuppppssss and dooooowwwwwwnnnnssss. Depressing and horrifically stupid, I know. I kept "coming" back to God, and then "coming" back to the world. Coming back and then falling down, blah blah blah blah blah! To have to admit that this was a never ending circle of ridiculousness that lasted throughout about two years is shameful to admit. The worst part was that I knew EXACTLY who God was, I heard His voice begging me to stop in the back of my mind. I felt his grasp on every inch of my body hold tighter, I felt His tears and pain crying and asking me to come back, but I completely ignored everything. I just wanted to be what I was now. That now got me into the biggest crap I could've ever imagined. I ran with the worst crowd imaginable, and because of this, I attracted the worst men possible, leaving me in stabbing guilt and heartbroken every time my efforts to love failed. That was my biggest problem: I gave out my genuine love all in the wrong places, all in the wrong friends and male. It hurts me to this very day that my vulnerability and love brought me that far away from everything I believed in, everything that I held precious to me. I threw it out the window, like an biodegradable banana peel (Great Analogy KOREY.). I tried living life MY WAY, and every single category I possessed and carressed failed in epic amounts. I was a failure. I repeatedly reminded myself of that. I felt like I could never get back what I lost, I could never be made new, I could NEVER trust myself to love again. Oh, where a mistake my thoughts have taken me!
I have had friends come and have left my life. They leave me in pain, and they come back, and I am still in pain. These friends were not healthy. By healthy, I mean for me, in my relationship with God and my family and even with myself...and they were not healthy in THEIR relationship with God, and themselves. It all twisted together, and molded each other, and became a frankenstien like figure. May sound pretty cool and you wish you could see this deformed clay man, but let me tell you, this metaphoric figure was an incredible chaotic heap of doggy doo doo. I am not trying to call my past friends a pile of crap, but I am saying that much of what had happened never really needed to happen. It just did, because we MADE it happen. We shouldn't have, but we did, and OH MAN did we do a great job of it! Anyways, I am not gloating when I say that I was being the best friend I could ever possibly be. I was there every step of them needing someone to talk to. I gave them advice, and I gave them encouragement. I even prayed with them at times. This all happened again, and again, and again, and again...
When is enough....ENOUGH? Dude, I'll tell you.
Normally, enough is enough when you give a friend advice over and over, and they over and over listen, but refuse to act on it. There they come, crawling back to you in pain, because they did the exact OPPOSITE of what you advised.
Now, for the longest time, MY enough is enough was when they stabbed you in the back repeatedly, and I cry, get over it, and forgive them. Then it happens again, I cry, not speak to them for a while, and then finally become friends again. Great...healthy...relationship....RIGHT?!
Dude.....wrong!
So despite my past relationships with friends and all the drama, and pain it carried, I eventually got so wrapped up in trying to help them all, that I got sucked into their drama. Those problems they carried like a burden became my problems, the drama THEY drank, became the drama I spat into peoples faces. It was another vicious circle. MAN, what is up with these circles I keep jumping into, hoping it would become some kind of triangle (trinity) or something?! Don't answer that, it's a stupid, needing no answer question. Better left unsaid. (haha.)
As I was getting sucked into all this drama, and pain, and guilt, and so on and so forth, I was hurting many people that actually cared about me in the process. My sister, for instance. She tried so hard to help me out, to get me back into that relationship I had with God. She tried SO HARD. I bet she still thinks she failed. I would be glad to tell her she has been misinformed. With the backstabbing, and hatred I spewed on her, she has every right to feel some kind of resentment towards me. I know that all has been forgiven and I have mended the brokenness I caused in some of my friendships with the stable people I had in my life at the time, I can't help but think that everything would be different if she hadn't interfered in the most divine way that she did. Where would I be? What kind of person would I be? Those thoughts scare me endlessly. Just thinking about how God arranged my life this way is beyond my imagination. I can't even think of the MORE TO COME. Im excited. I am getting a little ahead of myself.
Moving on.
With all the hurt I caused throughout my mishaps and full on rebellion, and through all the pain inflicted upon me through all my unhappy and unhealthy relationships, God sure has a way of burning all that, and giving twice back. This twice back is better then what I had, it's purer, it's divine, and has so much potential. This gift will be staying with me until I am buried, with a gravestone that says I have lived to be however long God wants me to live. I am really good at ranting and getting carried away, but the gravestone part I just had to say, because it is so true! However long God wants me to walk this earth, my heart, my soul and my body will be forever His, and my footsteps are in the path He has laid down for me. Like I said, I'm so excited!
At this point in my life, with all I have said above, and all that has been done, there came a point in my life, AGAIN, where my relationship with God was being suffocated. I was being sucked in again, to my other world. The world I never wanted to see again. I was being suffocated, because I started to feel like where I was at that time, where I was living, with my sister being gone and all, I felt like I had no oxygen. I needed to get out. That feeling of being discontented really started to sink in, I started questioning God's motives. I started asking God why the heck I am still here, when there is nothing left for me to live for. The path felt like another circle (Hello, circle, I know you VERY WELL), I was going the same way over and over and over again. I was getting bored with life. Finally, God told me to come home.
Home is where the heart is, right?
Apparently, I left my heart with my family. So where ever my family was, I was. Or at least my heart was. You catch what I'm trying to say. So I moved once again to live back to where the roots all started. My grandparents.
They raised me, they fed me, they clothed me, they guided me. Enough said. I was going back to that, and to that I came. Best idea I have ever decided to act upon. I know I did need a little push, but I took it. I went with it. When I made this decision, I also had this talk with God. I am going to paraphrase what I said to Him, but I want to clue you in a little of what I talked to Him about.
"God, I've been running from you for so long. I hate this. I need you. I know I need you. Let this be the RIGHT decision. I know that every place I have moved to hasn't necessarily been the WRONG decision, but I know it wasn't the RIGHT decision, or I wouldn't really be what I am right now. A total mess, and in need of healing, and restoration. God, where are you? I haven't felt you in sooo long. I'm begging you right now, I need you. I need healing. I guess that healing lies where my roots have started. God, I don't know exactly where this will all lead, but I know my family can help. They always have in the past. Let this be the last time. Guide me. Heal me, PLEASE.
I feel like I'm asking a lot, but I just want you to know that I want to make the right decisions in every area of my life, and I want you to guide me. I want you to turn me into the person I am suppose to be. I want YOU to pick my friends, and pick the place you want me to heal in, to grow back into you..."
My prayer was definitely along the lines of that. I was desperate. I wanted this decision to be perfect. I didn't want to do everything by myself again. I wanted Him to pick and choose, and I will accept. I wanted to be His child, and I wanted to be under his wings of protection...
I am with my family now, and when I first moved here, many emotions have come out of it. I was struggling, because I was here for four months and I still didn't have any friends. I had near my age people that I met, but I never really connected with them. That was God saying "Not yet, my beloved." As much as it stung to hear something like that, I fully relied on God. "I can do it. I know I can. Fully rely on God." Much to my happiness, God brought me Hope, and then Faith, and then Joy.
These are three Godly women, who amazingly live up to their names. They are the blessing I have been waiting for. After these three women, came more alike. God even place amazing men of God in my life.
Pause.
Men.
I had an opinion of them. It wasn't good. I despised the way they lived, the way they breathed. I just never thought that there was an honest man of God out there. I sure as hell never thought that God would open my eyes and whisper in my ear "You are so totally wrong."
Men of God. I am happy to have finally met males that have DEFINED that in every way possible. It brought me encouragement, and healing. HEALING.
Okay, Continue.
Throughout the month that I have known these men and women, God has healed me in areas that I so desperately wished would've been healed a long time ago, but I know couldn't because God had other plans. His way or NO way. Enough said.
God has taught me to be vulnerable, but with it protecting my heart as well. He has taught me to trust, to strengthen myself in my most weakest areas, and to actually speak of my thoughts, whereas in the past, that was one of the most difficult things I struggled with. My thoughts carried a lot of healing. It's funny. All along, my healing remedy was my brain, and my weapon was my mouth. So I shot a remedy of healing to my heart. Kind of weird way to explain what I mean, but it makes complete sense.
I guess this would be all I have to say. I am going to end with the verse I stared this blog with.
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
God has brought me here for a purpose, and that purpose is already starting to unfold. What a great GOD we have...
His daughter,
Korey Leeann Johnston
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